Baseball Wiseguys

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

New England is Wack, Yo.

Badass beantown rapper Akrobatik has penned quite an ode to the Patriots. Below are the lyrics; I'd link an MP3 as well, but I think listening might be hazardous to one's health.

Chorus
Ain't nobody seein' the Pats, and that's that! (repeat twice)
You getting' sliced with a razor sharp welcome mat!

Verse One
Now, you can try to get fly, but we got Ty
Law and Poole, fool, welcome to the new school
Legendary question everybody wanna know
How to stop Belichick's flow
Weiss is nice, Crenell is hell, Pioli ain't phony
Go and check the depth chart, Homey
Resources cease losses, welcome to the Razor, kid
Step into the fortress, our game plan's flawless!
We stand strong to the finish like Willie McGinest
With the goal line stand to make your ego diminish
How embarrassin' -- your helmet's knocked off by Rodney Harrison
New England Patriots -- no other squad is in comparison!
All New England fans, from Worcester to Winooski
Throw up your hands for an ice cold Bruschi
Your team is getting' hyped, and they just wanna rumble on
But, much to your dismay, is the score on the Jumbotron
Zero -- ask Wannstedt and Parcells
We're sendin' weak O lines back to the barbells
And bench press -- 'cause none of y'all is comp, son
We're runnin' right past y'all like Bethel Johnson
Ask Ricky Williams how hits go down here
Oops! Look at the ground, he's bound to be found there
Oh, poor Peyton, so frustratin'
Throw another pick and get a standing ovation
Thank you! We'll be taking that one to the bank, too
Kick the extra point? No, let's prove a point -- and two!
Conversion, with precision of a surgeon
You're losin' -- Pats bone-crunch, we're bruisin'
Patriot missiles are launched from 12 to 80
In other words, a touchdown to Brown from Brady
And all you Raiders fans who thought the "Tuck Rule" was shady
Two rings in three years, Duke -- we're no fluke!

Chorus x2
Ain't nobody seein' the Pats, and that's that! (repeat twice)
You getting' sliced with a razor sharp welcome mat!


Verse Two
Yo, it's Akrobatik takin' over after the half
And I'm worthy of the jersey, you can ask Bob Kraft
Perceptionists will bring the game back to the glory days
Double tight with mics, like Graham and Fauria
A Cinderella story made into a dynasty
Control the line of scrimmage without the foul image
Never goin' for the individual schemes
So, at the big game you know we comin' out as a team!
Mike Vrabel got sacks and scored in the Super Bowl
Two exciting wins -- much thanks to Ricky Proehl
Vinatieri buries the field goal
Y'all are cryin', tryin to get past our lineman
Light and Ashworth laugh last and laugh first
Wanna run, son? Nah, Lif -- let's pass first!
Givens and Branch -- it's a touchdown avalanche!
Oh, you were gonna win? You never really had a chance!
The backfield's chillin, now we got Corey Dillon
Plus a powerful front line that's ready and willin'
Jacksonville in Florida's awaitin' our arrival
At Super Bowl XXXIX to defend the title!
If the Patriots are down, they're never out, you understand?
They can't lose -- not with Mr. Lif in the stands
"Do It as a Team" is the slogan, Lombardis we're holdin'
'Nuff respect to Steve Grogan!

Chorus
Ain't nobody seein' the Pats, and that's that! (repeat twice)
You getting' sliced with a razor sharp welcome mat!
Fakts One scratches -- "Watchin' the Patriots win the Super Bowl"

Hump Day

  • El Duque goes for the Yanks tonight vs the Tribe, a team he has a 9-0 record against.
  • From ESPN's Daily Quickie- shares my thoughts on the Expos chances of landing in DC: MLB meets with D.C. relocation group: Sports equivalent of that hot girl at the bar getting a few drinks from you before walking away ...

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I'm Damn Bored

It's another one of those days at the office. Not much work to do. I've read every word of every website in my downtime repertoire. And there's still an hour-plus to go until quittin' time...

  • The Giants best option to start the year at quarterback will start his season sitting on the Raider bench. Makes you feel really good about the upcoming season, huh?
  • Does anyone give a shit about men's gymnastics?
  • .317 career hitters should not be laying down sac bunts in the first inning of a ballgame. I'm talking to you, Derek.
  • Nothing says patriotism quite like girls in bikinis hugging each other, does it? Congrats to Walsh and May on winning gold in beach volleyball.
  • If Mike Williams is reinstated before the Tech game this weekend, I honestly can't see the Trojans winning by less than 3 TDs.
  • After a long wait, the new G. Love album hits stores this week. Go get it.
  • I wish Michael Irvin would return to football- we'd all be subjected to a whole helluva lot less of his crackhead shouting on NFL Live and Sportscenter.
  • The Fat Darrell sandwich of Rutgers U wins best sandwich in the country. At least the NJ school can now claim to be #1 in something other than sucking ass in every major Big East sport.
  • At JMU (my alma mater) over the summer, officials found over 50 years of old tests in filing cabinets in a few sorority houses. I can understand 3 or 4 years worth, but 50 is a bit much- I can just see some dumb co-ed writing an essay on how she'll think the cold war will turn out, based off a response made by someone's grandma back in the day.


Friday, August 20, 2004

I Got a Better Idea

Drinking turns to thinking and last night I came up with some other alternatives to the current USA Basketball squad...
  • Make a team out of the two 8 Seeds from last year's playoffs: Boston and Denver.
  • The starting 5 from Princeton, their 6th man, and six dudes from the And 1 Mix Tape Tour.
  • Bring back the '92 Dream Team and see how they do.
  • Search the Burger Kings and car rental agencies for twelve of the recent high school kids who applied for the NBA Draft and went undrafted.
  • Just bring twelve swingmen. Oh wait, we pretty much already did that.
  • Michael Phelps at SF- give him a shot at that last gold.
  • Make the best team you can out of the most recent Final Four participants.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Stars and Gripes

Dream Team Four?

The US men's hoops team got by Australia this morning, 89-79. In the end, the game wasn't as close as the score would indicate, but in the early going, Australia led by as much as 12. This team is frustrating to watch so far; they seem the slack off early on and only really turn on the juice after halftime (though they didn't even do that against Puerto Rico.) What should have been an easy romp through Europe has turned into a dogfight, and the Yanks still have yet to play the best team in their group, Lithuania.

I've got a lot of problems with the composition of this team, and although I know a million people have written about it already, I think it's my turn to opine.

Center/Forward
  • Duncan stays- he plays hard on both ends of the floor. Fundamentally solid.
  • Okafor stays- though he should get more PT in my mind. He's known for doing many of the same things as Duncan, though perhaps with better defense.
  • Boozer stays- I'm not a huge Boozer fan, but from what I've seen this summer (screwing the Cavs notwithstanding) he belongs. He bangs inside and has a few nice moves in the lane.
  • Odom stays- he's more versatile than most of the guys he's matched up with, show some energy, sees the floor well, and his long limbs allow him to be a bit disruptive on D. Let's just keep him away from the kids from Holland.
  • Stoudamire stays- he's explosive off the dribble, and with the short trey, he seems to go from the 3-point line to the rack in one step.
  • Jefferson goes. He might have been great running the wing on a break next to Kidd, but when a 10 foot jumper is your idea of downtown, you don't belong in the Olympics. Replaced with: Wally Szczerbiak. The guys is a career 41% 3-pt shooter, nuff said.
  • Marion goes. He heaves up threes like a five year old, and today against the Aussies I watched him let 2 long rebounds go, thinking they were heading out of bounds, only to be snagged by a Crocodile Dundee for an offensive board. Replaced with: Ron Artest- defense, assists, attitude.
  • Carmelo- goes. Replaced with: Michael Redd, a lights out scorer whom no ones knows about.
Guards
  • Iverson stays- he goes all out, all the time. Brings a little bit of street to the Games, but is probably actually more skilled and mature than most of Sportswriter Nation wants to guve him credit for.
  • Lebron stays- and starts. He's been the best US player so far, and I think people need to stop comparing him to MJ, he's more along the lines of a Magic, or maybe Bird without the 3 point shot. He passes better than any pure point guard the US could have taken. Plus he's getting his own Powerade flava soon.
  • Starbury- goes. He's the only 'superstar' out there who probably makes everyone around him worse rather than better. More proof that you can take the baller out of the Coney Island ghetto, but you can't make him pass the rock in Athens. Replaced with: Brent Barry. And why not? He looks like one of those chain-smoking Euros, and has a balanced game- plays some D, can dish it out, and shoot the trey. A guy like this is made for international competition.
  • Dywane Wade stays- he's not a pure point guard, but then I don't think the US makes them anymore. He is fearless and tough in traffic, as evidenced by a few wraparound layups today.
This still ain't a great lineup, but it's exponentially better than what they went to Athens with, while still excluding all the NBA stars who declined invites.


Baseball

The Yanks are stumbling a bit lately, and are on the verge of ending the Esteban Loaiza Era by dumping him to Texas for prospects. Their lineup while A-Rod serves his suspension is plain ugly, and incapable of stringing more than 2 hits together lately. Manny's favorite drinking buddy, Enrique Wilson, has no place on a roster that hopes to win a championship.